Grief Counseling
The USU Counseling Center located in Taggart Student Center Room 306 is open to any student, faculty or staff needing help coping with the loss of loved ones and friends in the accident. Stop by TSC Room 306 or call 797-1012 to make an appointment. Services are free of charge for qualified students.
USU's Counseling Center Offers Advice to Those Dealing with Grief
When Someone Dies Unexpectedly
For most of us, life feels predictable and safe, most of the time. We carry on with daily activities despite the fact that "bad things happen" to others (usually unknown to us) because we have normal emotional defenses that allow us to do so. When someone we know dies unexpectedly, it can challenge our feelings of invulnerability and safety in the world, because the "bad things" hit closer to home. We might look for explanations for what has happened, because the explanations help us to make sense out of the unexpected, and give a sense of closure about the event. We may experience feelings of confusion, numbness, or helplessness. We may be struggling with "Unfinished Business" - the sense that there was something we left "undone" with the person (e.g., a growing relationship, mutual problem, interpersonal conflict, etc.) or "Survivor Guilt" - a sense of unfairness that another has died instead of self. The closer we are to the individual who has died, or the more the death affects us personally (e.g., reminds us of another loss we have experienced), the more likely we are to have strong reactions to the unexpected death. It is important, however, to keep in mind that not having a reaction may also be a normal reaction to a sudden death, particularly if the death does not trigger personal feelings of loss or vulnerability.
Understanding Your Personal Response to Grief
In the course of our lifetime, each of us develops relationships with others which take on special meaning to us. They may be parents, other family members, friends, teachers, even our pets. These are the people who in a variety of ways through nurturing and challenging us help us become who we are. Over the course of our life, each of us also experiences the death of someone we love. Whether this loss occurs as a result of illness, accident, or other trauma, we are left with a mixture of thoughts and feelings.
Following the death of a significant other, a person may feel quite different. You may be physically fatigued, have difficulty with your usual sleep pattern, experience an inability to concentrate for long periods, and lose some of your normal appetite. You may also find that your interest in work, social activities, and being with others diminishes somewhat. Activities and people you usually enjoy may seem to hold less attraction. You may experience a wide a range of emotions. These feelings may include sadness, fear, despair, confusion, anger, relief, guilt, loneliness, helplessness, and even a sense of numbness. These emotions may be felt in varying degrees of intensity and over differing periods of time. Our daily living patterns may trigger memories of our loss and associated feelings. Family celebrations, holidays, favorite places, songs, and experiences which were formerly shared with the loved one may remind us of our suffering. In the midst of our grieving, it is normal for us to wonder if our sorrow will ever subside. In time the memories of our loved one will remain, but the intensity of our strongest emotions is moderated. If significant changes which affect your ability to function on a daily basis persist, this may be a cue to see a professional for consultation and specialized assistance.
How to Help Yourself During a Time of Grief
Be patient with yourself
Go gently - take whatever time it needs, rather than giving yourself a deadline for when you should be "over it." There is no one way and no right or wrong way to grieve, and there is no schedule or deadline for the resolution of and recovery from loss. Everybody grieves and incorporates the experience of a loss in his or her own way. Treat yourself with the same care, tolerance, and affection you would extend to a valued friend in a similar situation.
Care for yourself physically
Get adequate rest, nutrition and exercise. Manage your stress appropriately. Pray, meditate or take quiet time.
Care for yourself emotionally
Give yourself permission to grieve. Allow quiet time alone to reflect and to explore and experience your thoughts and feelings. Allow time to heal without setting unrealistic goals and deadlines. Plan for special days such as holidays and anniversaries. Feelings can be intense at these times. In the beginning you may want to choose your entertainment carefully - some movies, TV shows, or books can only over-intensify already strong feelings. Acknowledge and accept all feelings, both positive and negative.
Express your feelings
Allow opportunities to express the full range of your emotions. These feelings may include sadness, fear, despair, confusion, anger, relief, guilt, loneliness, helplessness, and even a sense of numbness. Set aside a specific private time daily to remember and experience whatever feelings arise with the memories. Talk with others about how you are feeling and find other ways to express your feelings (ie journaling, painting, etc). Remember that avoiding emotions through excessive activity, denial, or abuse of substances complicates and prolongs the pain of loss.
Participate in rituals/say goodbye
Ceremonies and rituals help us to make the "unreal" more real and to move toward accepting and integrating our loss. Attend the funeral or memorial service. Mark important anniversaries in ways that are meaningful to you. Create ways to remember your loved one. Rituals can help us recall the positive dimensions of our relationship and connect us with community. Activities like journal writing, meditation, prayer, walking, singing, and visiting places formerly shared with the loved one can be creative outlets for your thoughts and feelings.
Seek support
Gathering and using social support is essential. Support from others reduces isolation and loneliness and increases one's sense of security, safety and attachment. Talk to friends openly about your loss. If religion or spirituality are important to you, talk with a member of the clergy or a spiritual advisor. Connect on the Internet. There are many resources for people in grief, as well as opportunities to chat with fellow grievers. Tell those around you what helps you and what doesn't. Most people would like to help if they knew how. If the healing process becomes too overwhelming, consider seeking professional help or joining a support group for people who have experienced a similar loss. Also, allow yourself to spend time with others doing enjoyable things - at first you may not feel as if you are having much fun, but with time, things will become more of a pleasure again.
Understand emotions related to grief may impact decision making
Do your best to think logically, keep perspective, use effective problem-solving skills. Expect and accept some reduction in your usual efficiency and consistency. Try to avoid taking on new responsibilities or making major life decisions for a time.
Being Helpful to Another During a Time of Grief
Be available
Let the person know that you are available, if needed. Call, send a card, stop by to talk, share a meal or activity. This is important not just immediately after the loss, but especially later, when grief is still intense but when others have resumed their daily lives and support for the bereaved may dwindle. Your presence and companionship may be very important, but be understanding if your offer to do things together is declined.
Communicate
Initiate conversation, listen, and be willing to talk about the loss. Allow the bereaved person to vent feelings. Don't judge the person's thoughts or feelings. Don't feel you need to offer advice, sometimes listening itself is very powerful. Don't try to offer false cheer or minimize the loss.
Avoid making judgments about how a person should be feeling during their grief
People express their thoughts and emotions in a variety of ways, with differing levels of intensity and frequency. There is no right way to grieve and mourn. Understand and accept that how your friend or family member copes with their loss may be very different from how you would cope, even in the same situation.
Be patient
Remember that grief can appear to come and go for no apparent reason. There is no fixed time in which the bereavement process is to be over. Remember the importance of anniversaries, celebrations, and activities in which the loved one formerly participated. Be sensitive to times and events that may be especially hard for the grieving person.
Encourage self care
Encourage your friend to care for himself or herself physically, emotionally, and socially. Encourage your friend to seek out support and/or professional help, if appropriate.
Accept your own limitations
Accept that you cannot eliminate the pain your friend is experiencing. Grief is a natural, expected response to loss and each person must work through it in his/her own way and at his/her own pace. Be supportive, but care for yourself too.
Resources
Local Resources:
Utah State University Counseling Center (USU TSC 306) 797-1012
Community Clinic (USU Education Bldg) 797-3401
Family Life Center (USU) 797-7430
Bear River Mental Health 752-0750
Vice President for Student Services Office (Dr. Juan Franco, VP) 797-1712
Budge Clinic 716-5081 - Adult Grieving Support Group (Tuesdays 6:30 to 8:30pm)
Other Therapists - There are many therapists in private practice in Cache Valley; you may want to contact your insurance provider and ask for a list of preferred providers.
Books on Grief and Loss:
Caplan, S., and Lang, G., (1995) Grief's Courageous Journey: A Workbook
Colgrove, M., Bloomfield, H. & McWilliams, P. (1993). How to survive the loss of a love.
Kelley, P. (1997). Companion to grief: Finding consolation when someone you love has died
Kushner, H. (1981). When bad things happen to good people.
Levang, E. & Ilse, S. (1995). Remembering with love: Messages of hope for the first year of grieving and beyond.
Neeld, E. (2003). Seven Choices: Finding daylight after loss shatters your world.
Rando, T. (1991). How to go on living when someone you love dies.
Staudacher, C. (1999). Beyond grief: A guide for recovering from the death of a loved one.
Tatelbaum, J. (1984) The Courage to Grieve.
Viorst, J. (1997). Necessary losses.
Wolfelt, A. (2004). Understanding your grief: Ten essential touchstones for finding hope and healing your heart
Other useful books are available at any bookstore or library.
There are also numerous web pages devoted to the issues of grief and loss. To access these pages, do an internet search using the words grief or bereavement.