intimaterel.html

Intimate Relationships

Preliminary Thoughts

What is love? Perhaps no one topic has absorbed so much of anyone's attention (poets, authors, musicians, film, visual artists, ourselves). A few of the countless examples of this obsession:

Excerpt from an interview with the famous author,Tim O'Brien, being asked about his new novel Tomcat in Love:

"After all these years as a writer, I am still snagged by the same old
obsessions: the things we do to win love, the things we will

do to keep love, to love ourselves. The hero of the

narrative says, "All for love. All to be loved." We can laugh

at this, or we can cry. In this book, I wanted to laugh.

Laughter does not deny pain. Laughter--like a

wail--acknowledges and replies to pain."

http://www.boldtype.com/0998/obrien/interview.html

Various / 60's Love Songs

1.When a Man Loves a Woman - Percy Sledge

2.The Crying Game - Dave Berry

3.Just a Matter of Time - Brook Benton

4.Don't Let the Sun Catch you Crying - Gerry & The Pacemakers

5.Maria - P.J. Proby

6.No Greater Love - Ronnie Dove

7.So Much in Love - The Tymes

8.You Don't Have to be a Baby to Cry - The Caravelles

9.Beautiful You - Neil Sedaka

10.Wishing & Hopin - The Merseybeats

11.Hello Little Girl - The Fourmost

12.Heartaches - The Marcels

13.A Day Without Love - Love Affair

14.The Chapel of Love - The Dixie Cups

15.Tell Him - Billie Davis

16.Softly Whispering I Love You - New Congregation

17.Rhythm of the Rain - The Cascades

18.This Girl's In Love With you - Dionne Warwick

http://www.cddb.com/xm/cd/misc/130c0312.html
(challenge: find three modern love songs and analyze these in terms of theories of love in your textbook)

Shakespeare sonnet on love (of many)

Sonnet CXVI

Let me not to the marriage of true minds

Admit impediments. Love is not love

Which alters when it alteration finds,

Or bends with the remover to remove:

O no! it is an ever-fixed mark

That looks on tempests and is never shaken;

It is the star to every wandering bark,

Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken.

Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks

Within his bending sickle's compass come:

Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks,

But bears it out even to the edge of doom.

If this be error and upon me proved,

I never writ, nor no man ever loved.

go to: http://the-tech.mit.edu/Shakespeare/Poetry/sonnets.html

Love quotes from the Internet

Love and Marriage

Married couples who love each other tell each other a thousand things without talking. --Chinese Proverb

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. --Mignon McLaughlin

There are people who would never have fallen in love if they had never heard of love. --Francois de la Rouchefoucauld

There is only one sort of love, but there are a thousand copies. --Francois de la Rouchefoucauld

The pleasure of love is in loving. We are happier in the passion we feel than in that we inspire. --Francois de la Rouchefoucauld

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. --H.L. Mencken

Love cannot endure indifference. It needs to be wanted. Like a lamp, it needs to be fed out of the oil of another's heart, or its flame burns low. --Henry Ward Beecher

Love is a medicine for the sickness of the world; a prescription often given, too rarely taken. --Karl Menninger

One does not fall into love; one grows into love, and love grows in him. --Karl Menninger

We love the things we love for what they are. --Robert Frost

All love is sweet, given or returned. Common as light is love, and its familiar voice wearies not ever. --Percy Bysshe Shelley

At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. --Plato

The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character. --Peter Devries

The rose speaks of love silently, in a language known only to the heart. --Unknown

Absense is to love what wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small, it inflames the great. --Bussy-Rabutin

I would like to have engraved inside every wedding band, "Be kind to one another." This is the Golden Rule of marriage and the secret of making love last through the years. --Randolph Roy

A heart that loves is always young. --Greek Proverb

http://www-personal.umd.umich.edu/~yakkow/luv.html

Dave Barry on matters that I thought were related to love

Chapter 4: Tips for Women (How to have a relationship with a guy)*

"...guys don't really grasp what women mean by the term relationship" (p. 59)

Buy the book; it's great: *Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys (1995, Ballantine Books)

More seriously: What is love?

Difficult to conceptualize, but social psychologists have tried:

Different kinds of love

Different kinds of intimate relationships

Involve one or more of three components (ideally, all of them)

emotional attachment
fulfillment of psychological needs (sharing feelings, gaining reassurance)
interdependence and influence

Beyond initial attraction, how do relationships evolve?

Different theories

Stage theories: Stimulus-Value-Role theory postulates three stages

Means: go through each stage in this particular sequence

Stage 1 Stimulus Stage (external attributes lead to attraction)

Stage 2 Value Stage (similar values & beliefs lead to attachment)

Stage 3 Role Stage (commitment is based on relationship role performance)

Ooooooooops! Different relationships develop differently. Not all relationships unfold in this order. (Think of cross-cultural examples; forced marriage examples)

Quantitative theory

Love is equivalent to attraction, only more of so. Represents the accumulation of positive experiences that culminate in LOVE

Qualitative theory

There is a qualitative difference between love versus attraction. Love makes a leap or jump beyond simple attraction.

Example of a Quantitative Theory

Social Exchange Theory: Cost-Benefit Analysis

People's feelings about relationships depend on

perception of COSTS in relationship

negative aspects of relationship
annoying habits & characteristics of other, etc.

investment in relationship can be a kind of cost

perception of BENEFITS (rewards) of relationship

positive, gratifying aspects of relationship
ex: love, companionship, humor, status, etc.

investment in relationship can also be a kind of benefit

Relationship satisfaction = f (Benefits - Costs)

Feelings impacted by comparison levels for target relationship

Some people have high "comparison levels"
Means: Expect lots of rewards but few costs. Result of equation must be POSITIVE for person to be satisfied

Some people have lower "comparison levels"

Means: Don't expect benefits to necessarily outweigh costs. They would be happier in the "same" relationship

Feelings also impacted by comparison levels for nontarget relationship

Refers to perception that you could replace relationship with a better one (where BENEFIT even greater than COST compared to target one)
High CL alt: people who believe they have good chance of developing even better relationships (even though this might not be true)
move on to new relationships

Low CL alt: current relationship better than what they could find "out there" (even though this might not be true)

stay in a costly relationship

Feelings also impacted by perceived INVESTMENT in relationship

Investment: tangible (e.g., financial resources, possessions) and intangible (e.g., emotional welfare of children; time and energy spent; lost of integrity due to stigma of divorce)
Highly invested? More likely to stay in relationship

Think about abusive relationships in these terms: High investment; Low CL alt (think you can't get better) ---> stay in relationship

Equity Theory: A Kind of Social Exchange

Social exchange theory criticized

Didn't take into account a central variable in perceived relationship satisfaction: FAIRNESS, EQUITY

Exchange theory argued that people aren't necessarily motivated to get the most reward for the least cost. What people want is equity in relationship

They want to feel like their OWN rewards, costs, investments are comparable to the OTHER'S rewards, cost, and investments in relationship

Equitable relationships are perceived to be the most happy and stable

Inequitable relationships lead one person to feel

overbenefitted (lots of rewards, few costs, little need for high investment for relationship to continue). May feel guilty

or

underbenefitted (few rewards, lots of costs; need for high time and energy investment). May feel depressed/angry

Over- or under-benefit should lead to feelings of unease; motivation to restore equity

Results: Underbenefitted have more of a problem with their relationships than do overbenefitted

Social exchange vs. Equity Revisited

Maybe people differ in whether they "act" according to social exchange or equity?

Clark et al. think "yes." There are different types of relationships. Some operate on exchange basis; others on equity

They call these EXCHANGE vs. COMMUNAL relationships

Exchange: Tit-for-tat

keep track of who did what; feel taken advantage of if contributed more than the other

more common among people who have just met; are just starting a relationship

Communal: Give-and-take

longer-term relationships; family, romantic partners, close friends

others' need is what determines when something is 'given' by relationship partner, regardless of whether 'paid back.'

still some concern with equity, but partners tend to believe that things will balance out in the long run

A "Grander" Theory

Sociobiological Perspective

Males pursue many females (enhance chances of passing on genes)

Males pursue healthy females (bias toward younger, because more fit?)

back to the sexual attractiveness and baby-face research

Women need to care for young (will mate very selectively, choosing most "fit" mate). Fitness = strength, health, resources

Your assessment of this view?

Other Perspectives

Think back to those discussed regarding interpersonal attraction

Also consider:

Attachment theoretic perspectives

Which of following best describes your attachment style to your current partner?

I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it

difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to

depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close

and often love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel

comfortable being.

(Avoidant 25%; relationships last less long, less satisfied with relationship, less committed to relationship; less supportive of, warm toward, relationship partner)

I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I

often worry that my partner doesn't like really love me or

want to stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner,

and sometimes this scares people away.

(Anxious 19%; relationships last less long, less satisfied with relationship, emotional in relationships)

I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am

comfortable depending on them. don't often worry about

being abandoned , about someone getting too close to me.

(Secure 56%; more satisfied with relationship, committed to, trusting of)

Thinks of styles of attachment identified in infants:

Avoidantly attached infant basically does not seek contact with parent; is not upset when parent leaves and does not pay much attention to parent upon parents return.

Resistantly (ambivalently/anxiously) attached infant initially does not seek proximity to parent but once with parent does not wish interaction to cease; becomes extremely upset when parent leaves; acts angry and rejecting upon parents return. Very fussy, cries.

Securely attached infant wishes contact with caregiver; can use caregiver as a secure base for exploring environment; displays great displeasure when parent leaves and pleasure when parent returns.

Tend to form intimate relationships that resemble the types of attachments we formed in childhood. Relational scripts internalized early in life.

Types of Love (many different typologies available)

1. Companionate vs. Passionate Love

Companionate

Founded on love, trust, respect

Felt intimacy and affection

Passion or physio arousal less important

Enduring, less emotionally intense, more stable, deeper

Passionate

Intense longing for other; high physio arousal

Very emotionally intense

Excitation transfer (we'll consider some examples; Dutton & Aron)

2. Sternberg's Triangular Theory

Three components

Low/High Intimacy (emotional - feelings of closeness)

Low/High Passion (motivational - romantic, sexual attraction)

Low/High Decision/commitment (cognitive - decisions about commitment to other)

Can be combined to form 8 major types of relationships

(we'll see a figure of this)

3. Love Styles (John Lee)

Three primary ones: Eros, ludus, storge

Three secondary ones: Mania, Agape, and Pragma

EROS = passionate love

STORGE = friendship love

LUDUS = game-playing love

MANIA = possessive love

PRAGMA = logical love

AGAPE = self-less love

Which ones do you espouse? We may do a love styles test in class (time permitting)

Which ones do men vs. women most espouse?

We may also do the FIRO (take home)

There are cross-cultural differences in approach to love

Group goals: Collectivistic society

Personal goals: Individualistic societyIndividualistic societies place emphasis on personal goals . Emphasis on romantic love, psychological intimacy

Collectivist societies stress group goals ; more pragmatic approach to love

Sexuality

Straightforward facts in book: Study these

Trouble in Relationships

Jealousy

Not true that there is a strong relationship between jealousy and self-esteem

Likelihood of jealous reaction highest in areas that are most threatening to one's self-worth:

Ex: If physical attractiveness of self important, feel threatened by other physically attractive targets

There are large cultural differences in jealousy

I'll give examples in class

Conflict

Big sex-related differences in how people cope with conflict

Women: Negatively responsive (demanding)

Men: Withdraw, don't respond

(back to Dave Barry)

Happiest couples:

engage less in negative affect reciprocity
engage less in the demand/withdraw pattern

make attributions that enhance relationship strength (think of examples from your own life)

are less likely to attribute negative events to characteristics of their partner

more likely to try to take the partner's perspective

Loneliness

We all know what this means, but how to define?
Loneliness = emotional state that results from a lowered # or quality of esteemed relationships (compared to what's available out there)
The lonely person

feels excluded
feels not much in common with others

spends lots of time on own; few dates

casual rather than close friendships

Why lonely

not socially skilled? (shy, low self-esteem, self-conscious, too "self-centered" to attend to needs of others
fearful or dismissive attachment styles?

maladaptive appraisals of social situations (as anxiety-producing ones)

Intimate Relationships

Preliminary Thoughts

Excerpt from an interview with the famous author,Tim O'Brien, being asked about his new novel Tomcat in Love:

Various / 60's Love Songs

Shakespeare sonnet on love (of many)

Love quotes from the Internet

Dave Barry on matters that I thought were related to love

More seriously: What is love?

Difficult to conceptualize, but social psychologists have tried:

Different kinds of love

Different kinds of intimate relationships

Involve one or more of three components (ideally, all of them)

Beyond initial attraction, how do relationships evolve?

Different theories

Stage theories: Stimulus-Value-Role theory postulates three stages

Means: go through each stage in this particular sequence

Stage 1 Stimulus Stage (external attributes lead to attraction)

Stage 2 Value Stage (similar values & beliefs lead to attachment)

Stage 3 Role Stage (commitment is based on relationship role performance)

Ooooooooops! Different relationships develop differently. Not all relationships unfold in this order. (Think of cross-cultural examples; forced marriage examples)

Quantitative theory

Love is equivalent to attraction, only more of so. Represents the accumulation of positive experiences that culminate in LOVE

Qualitative theory

There is a qualitative difference between love versus attraction. Love makes a leap or jump beyond simple attraction.

Example of a Quantitative Theory

Social Exchange Theory: Cost-Benefit Analysis

People's feelings about relationships depend on

perception of COSTS in relationship

perception of BENEFITS (rewards) of relationship

Relationship satisfaction = f (Benefits - Costs)

Equity Theory: A Kind of Social Exchange

Social exchange theory criticized

Didn't take into account a central variable in perceived relationship satisfaction: FAIRNESS, EQUITY

Exchange theory argued that people aren't necessarily motivated to get the most reward for the least cost. What people want is equity in relationship

They want to feel like their OWN rewards, costs, investments are comparable to the OTHER'S rewards, cost, and investments in relationship

Equitable relationships are perceived to be the most happy and stable

Inequitable relationships lead one person to feel

overbenefitted (lots of rewards, few costs, little need for high investment for relationship to continue). May feel guilty

or

underbenefitted (few rewards, lots of costs; need for high time and energy investment). May feel depressed/angry

Over- or under-benefit should lead to feelings of unease; motivation to restore equity

Results: Underbenefitted have more of a problem with their relationships than do overbenefitted

Social exchange vs. Equity Revisited

Maybe people differ in whether they "act" according to social exchange or equity?

Clark et al. think "yes." There are different types of relationships. Some operate on exchange basis; others on equity

They call these EXCHANGE vs. COMMUNAL relationships

Exchange: Tit-for-tat

keep track of who did what; feel taken advantage of if contributed more than the other

more common among people who have just met; are just starting a relationship

Communal: Give-and-take

longer-term relationships; family, romantic partners, close friends

others' need is what determines when something is 'given' by relationship partner, regardless of whether 'paid back.'

still some concern with equity, but partners tend to believe that things will balance out in the long run

A "Grander" Theory

Sociobiological Perspective

Males pursue many females (enhance chances of passing on genes)

Males pursue healthy females (bias toward younger, because more fit?)

back to the sexual attractiveness and baby-face research

Women need to care for young (will mate very selectively, choosing most "fit" mate). Fitness = strength, health, resources

Your assessment of this view?

Other Perspectives

Think back to those discussed regarding interpersonal attraction

Also consider:

Attachment theoretic perspectives

Which of following best describes your attachment style to your current partner?

I am somewhat uncomfortable being close to others; I find it

difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow myself to

depend on them. I am nervous when anyone gets too close

and often love partners want me to be more intimate than I feel

comfortable being.

I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I

often worry that my partner doesn't like really love me or

want to stay with me. I want to get very close to my partner,

and sometimes this scares people away.

I find it relatively easy to get close to others and am

comfortable depending on them. don't often worry about

being abandoned , about someone getting too close to me.

Thinks of styles of attachment identified in infants:

Avoidantly attached infant basically does not seek contact with parent; is not upset when parent leaves and does not pay much attention to parent upon parents return.

Resistantly (ambivalently/anxiously) attached infant initially does not seek proximity to parent but once with parent does not wish interaction to cease; becomes extremely upset when parent leaves; acts angry and rejecting upon parents return. Very fussy, cries.