Subspace Interference November 1997

Subspace Interference

Ship's Communications of the USS Rendezvous

NCC-1896

November/December 1997

From the Bridge

Coming Events

Pumpkin Walk

Something from the Headlines

Smoke me a Skipper

The last few months have found the Rendezvous crew rather busy as usual. There have been several different diplomatic occasions that have required the presence of many of the officers.

Carl Stark was commissioned to the rank of Captain and given command of the USS Ticonderoga. Lt. Cmdr. Matt Chism and Lt. Laura Swift were present along with myself at the commissioning ceremonies. At the same time Robert Schaffer also took command of a starship, the USS Agincourt. We wish the best to both of these men and their crews. Commissioning dates for the ships was October 25, 1997.

Carl Stark and Calico (Now Stark) also tied the knot recently in ceremonies presided over by Captain Dennis Hollinger of the USS Kelly. Many Rendezvous staff members were present at this event as well and Mr. Chism was included in the honor guard for the event.

This coming Saturday the 15th of November. Commander Rex Rouviere, who many of the Rendezvous staff are familiar with, will be receiving his Captain's rank and will be placed in charge of the USS Retributor which will fly with the Kelly until such time as it is needed elsewhere in the fleet.

Thanks and congratulations are to given out to Andi Stevenson and Wendi Harris for providing many of the crew with a wonderful anniversary party. They had a well planned murder mystery which led to Commander Dalice Nilson being arrested for Murder and booked into the Cache County jail by Commodore Hunsaker.

On November 8, the shuttle Explorer took off on its maiden voyage in conjunction with the 'Expanding Your Horizons' program through Utah State University. Major congratulations are due to Commander Steven Wall, Lt. Laura Swift, Lt. jg. Ben Wall, Ensign Elijah Wall and many, many others who worked together to get this shuttle off the ground.

It needs to be noted too that Number 1, Commander Trowbridge and Commander Nilson have done an excellent job of keeping this Captain on her toes and getting things done. Actually, they have made me look good this month as things are trying to come into order for me. Thanks to both of you.

All in all it has been busy as ever. Plans are in the works for a party in December and any ideas are welcome from the crew. I have been pleased with how things have been going and appreciate the assistance I have received from the crew in matters concerning the ship.

November 15th- Monthly meeting of the USS Rendezvous at 10:00 am in the Food and Nutrition Building of Utah State University. We will be doing videos and games this month.

December ?- Christmas party!!! Date and Time will be announced at the November meeting.

We wish to extend a special thank you to everyone who participated in creating the Star Trek display for this year's Pumpkin Walk in North Logan. It was great to see so many of you jump in and help when we were given the opportunity to build this display. With painting the pumpkins, making the uniforms, setting up the display, and taking it all back down, there was a lot of work to do.

The display looked great, and got quite a bit of attention, even while it was still going up. Great job, everyone!
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Valles Marineris (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien space craft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that "the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft".

The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times before coming to a stop, "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases". Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.

General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the "other-worldly" nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an obvious government cover-up", pointing out that Mars has no swamps.
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Editor's note: I'm putting the Rendezvous Saga on hold this month because I wanted to share the following story written by Kathy Park. Kathy is a devout Red Dwarf fan and wrote this story for a competition held on the Internet. She took 2nd place with it (deserved 1st). The story takes place at the end of the seventh season. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. –ed.

Dust was everywhere. Millions of years of dust covered the floor, the chairs, the laboratory tables, even the sealed box full of test tubes. It was clear no one had disturbed this ship for thousands of millennia. The silence was deep, foreboding, almost palpable, but then it was broken.

A man appeared in the center of the room. He started examining the room, paying particular attention to the dusty box of test tubes. He opened the box and picked up one of the tubes. Then, he spoke.

"Binks to Enlightenment. The derelict appears to be completely abandoned. As previously indicated, it does appear to have a viral research center. Several test tubes remain intact, containing viable specimens. Recommend transmitting them back to the ship."

An acknowledgment came over his comm unit and the vials disappeared, on their way back to the Enlightenment.

"Enlightenment, transfer complete. Disengage hard-light drive and transmit."

A moment later, the man disappeared, and silence reclaimed the ship.

Red Dwarf was back to its normal imposing size of three miles wide, four miles deep, and nearly six miles long. Dave Lister, however, was still the best Hercules impersonator in known space.

When the nanobots had originally changed him into Mr. Universe, it had been unnerving to say the least. It'd taken Kochanski about an hour just to get him to stop screaming. Even now, months after it happened, he still did a double take when he saw himself in the mirror.

This new body did have certain advantages, though. He'd never realized before that other foods besides curries and pompadoms had any flavor. They'd always been tasteless to him. He no longer heard or felt his joints pop when he got up in the morning, and his athlete's foot had completely gone away. Most surprising of all, his urine was yellow, not the bright green he'd become accustomed to. Now that Kryten had convinced the nanobots to restore Red Dwarf, they were available to help Lister. Only now, Lister wasn't so sure he wanted their help.

"Mr. Lister, sir," Kryten said as he walked into the sleeping quarters. "We're ready to change you back."

"I know, man," Lister replied. "I'm just not sure I want to be changed back now."

"But Mr. Lister, sir. You've got more in and out bits than Miss Kochanski! Why don't you want to change back?"

"I never realized it before, but my body was a wreck. Nothing worked the way it does now. I know I look like a gorilla on steroids, but I don't want to go back to only two taste buds."

"Well, Mr. Lister, I'm sure I can convince them to reduce the muscles and leave the rest of your new body alone with a little persuading."

Kryten turned and held up the jar he'd been carrying and started to hit it repeatedly with a spoon.

"Now you listen here..."

The holoship was in anarchy. Binks was the first to be infected. Four days after he'd returned from the science ship, he reported for duty in a tutu, cowboy boots, and nothing else. When his supervisor objected to this behavior, Binks fried his light bee with hex vision and started roaming the corridors infecting or killing everyone with which he came in contact. His rampage lasted for hours before his life force was completely drained by the disease and he died.

Those infected with the holovirus didn't realize they'd been infected until four days later. By then, it was too late.
Chaos reigned on the ship. Binks had infected so many people, Captain Platini was forced to seal off a third of the ship to keep the virus from spreading to the entire crew.

Unfortunately, the hologram simulation suite was located in the sealed off part of the ship. If he couldn't get to it, then he couldn't save those members of the crew that had already been infected. The Enlightenment would be crippled if so many crew members were lost. It took a full crew compliment to keep the ship going.

Platini turned to the officers on the bridge. The plan was suicidal for anyone volunteering, but it was the only way to save the ship.

"I need volunteers," he said. "In order to save those infected crew members, someone is going to have to get to the hologram simulation suite and restore those infected with their uncontaminated backups. Everyone going will most likely be killed or
infected, but if even one of them is successful, everyone infected will be restored to normal."

Silence met his request as crew members looked around at each other and back at him, waiting for someone to volunteer.

"I'll go, sir," a voice piped up from the back of the room. It was that new crewmember, Rimmer, the captain thought.

"Thank you, Mr. Rimmer. Anyone else?"

Even as he was saying those words, the ship began to shudder and buck. Everyone on the bridge was thrown to the floor as the ship contorted, bending and flexing around them.

"Report!" Platini yelled over the red alert klaxons.

First Officer Pushkin crawled over to her station and consulted the computer. "It appears ve are caught in the vake of a dimensional portal. The holoship's projection is being skewed by the dimensional currents."

Then, just as quickly as it had begun, the shaking stopped and the bridge returned to its original shape and size.

"Keptin," Commander Pushkin reported, "a ship has exited the dimensional portal and the gateway has closed."

"Hail it."

Pushkin started hailing the ship, and the response was almost immediate. An almost exact duplicate of Rimmer appeared on the screen.

"The name's Rimmer, Arnold Rimmer. Friends call me Ace. But let's stop this chin-wagging. It seems you've got a bit of a problem over there."

The captain looked behind him at Officer Rimmer. All Rimmer could do was shrug his shoulders. Then the captain focused his attention back to Ace on the screen. "Actually, we could use a little help. As your sensors have probably told you, we've sealed off about a third of the ship. We've done this because some of our crewmembers have been infected with a holovirus."
Ace smiled and responded, "Well, Captain, I've had a bit of experience with the holovirus. What's your plan."

"Rimmer, our Rimmer, has volunteered to go down to the hologram simulation suite and restore the infected crewmembers from backup. I was just asking for more volunteers."

"Sounds like quite a caper," Ace said, turning his head to flick some hair out of his eyes. "Whadda ya say, Arn? Want some company?"

Ace and Arnold Rimmer arrived at the sealed door leading to the infected crew members and the hologram simulation suite. Arnold reached up to release the door when Ace grabbed his arm.

"You don't have to do this, Arn. I'm experienced at this sort of thing. I can handle it alone."

Arnold stared at Ace for a couple of seconds and then replied, "No. They are my crew and I have a responsibility to them. Let's get on with this."

With that, Arnold opened the door and they entered together. Ace, who could remember back to a time when he was the smeggiest man alive on Red Dwarf, felt a great deal of pride in this Rimmer. He was the closest Rimmer to what Ace used to be that he had yet encountered, but this Rimmer's years on the holoship had changed him for the better. Ace gave him a brotherly pat on the back and followed him through the corridors.

Ace remembered the stories Lister had told him about his behavior under the influence of the holovirus, but Rimmer had never fully believed him. Now, he was witness to the effects of the virus on dozens of holograms and the results of the disease were
overwhelming.

Some crewmembers were completely withdrawn into themselves, suffering the effects of telepathy on a large ship populated with a number of insane individuals. They sat and rocked in the corridors mumbling to themselves in unintelligible phrases, wearing ragged and tattered uniforms as a result of their encounters with other crewmembers.

Others ran around in groups chasing down invisible monsters and imaginary foes. They suffered from intense hallucinations and lost contact completely with the outside world. These group hallucinations were very dangerous for anyone in their path.
In one particularly long hallway, with no way to escape, Ace and Arnold were sprayed with fire-retardant foam by two crewmembers who thought a large, fire-breathing trout had set the hallway ablaze.

Finally, the remainder of the insane crewmembers reacted to the virus in the same way Ace had a couple of years ago. They used their hex vision, telepathy, and telekinesis to the fullest. Ace and Arnold encountered the first of these in a burned out corridor leading to the hologram simulation suite. Ace thought it was extremely lucky they hadn't run into one of them before. He and Arnie might not have gotten this far if they had. Those crewmembers must be busy chasing around their less violent peers.

Several lightbees, charred and ruined, laid along the corridor; the only remains of those less fortunate than he and Arn. As the two Rimmers watched, the light bees rose up into the air and shot towards them, with seeming lives of their own. Ace
and Arnie ducked and dodged, trying to avoid the deadly projectiles.

Ace jumped into a side passage to get out of the way of a particularly dangerous one heading toward his light bee. When he lifted his head to get up, his eyes met four-inch-high stiletto heels. Before he could look up any farther to see their owner. One foot kicked out and struck him squarely in the jaw. Ace fell hard away from his attacker, but recovered quickly, rising to strike back. When he saw who she was, however, all his strength fled and he felt as if his heart would break.

Nirvana Crane was standing in the hallway. She was wearing a tight, black, leather body suit and black stiletto heels, but she was still immediately recognizable.

"Nirvana," he whispered, and all the old feelings of love he'd felt last time he saw her came flooding back. Of course, this wasn't his Nirvana. She lived back in his home dimension on another holoship, but his heart had taken over and he could not fight her, could not hurt her.

When the light bee attack had stopped, Arnold rose from his cover and hurried back to join Ace. Once Ace saw him, he yelled at him to run for the suite. Ace was standing between him and an obviously infected crew member with glowing red eyes. Rimmer ran as Ace blocked her, trying to give him some protection. A couple of times, Ace was forced to put his hand in front of her eyes to keep her from hitting Rimmer.

Ribbons of pain shot through his entire arm from his ruined left hand, but he didn't back down.

When Rimmer entered the center and locked the door behind him, Ace knew Nirvana was still a threat. She could easily burn away the door and stop Rimmer. Ace had to stay with her to protect Arnie.

Nirvana turned to him with the blank stare of the insane. She grabbed his injured hand and pulled him so close to her that their noses were almost touching. Her breath smelled of death as she whispered to him.

"Roses are red. Violets are blue. I'm going to die, and so shall you."

With that, a small electric bolt shot from her eyes into his. From his past experience, Ace knew he'd been infected. Moments later, a low rumbling sound started to emanate from the hologram simulation suite, and Nirvana began to twitch and seize. Ace held her and helped her gently to the floor. She stopped moving and her clothes changed back to her normal uniform. She was unconscious, but she was going to be all right.

Even in as much pain as he was from his injuries, he felt relief wash over him at that thought.

That night, as Ace sat on the bed set up for him in Arnold's quarters, he decided to let Arnie in on the bad news.
"I've got it, Arn."

"Got what?" Arnold asked, peering around a scientific journal to look at him.

"The holovirus. Nirvana gave it to me right before you cured her."

"It's all right," Rimmer responded. "We'll pull your backup off your ship and have you cured in no time."

"It's not as easy as that, Arn. I don't have a backup on my ship. It was never designed for a hologram. It can barely support me, thanks to a former Ace's ingenuity. There's no room for a backup."

"A former Ace?"

"I'm not the first Ace Rimmer. Not by a long shot. Each time an Ace dies, he recruits his replacement from an alternate reality. I want you to be the next Ace. You're brave and intelligent enough. What do you say?"

"What? Leave all this?"

"I know the Enlightenment's been good to you and it'll be tough to leave, but the universe needs someone to be brave, handsome, and all-around wonderful."

Ace knew he was using all the old lines his predecessor had used on him, but it was the only way he could think of to get Rimmer to accept.

"What about you?"

"The holovirus takes about four days before symptoms strike. I've already lost one day here on the holoship. I'll train you for the next three days, and then I'll need you to drop me off in my old dimension. They might not be able to save me, but at least I'll have a chance. If I die, you'll already be carrying on the legacy. I know you can do it, Arn."

"Let's start training."

It was just another ordinary day on Red Dwarf. Kryten was cleaning. The cat was finishing up his week-long suit inventory of all the clothes he'd been forced to leave behind when they'd left on starbug. Kochanski was using the alternate-reality suite again, spending more and more time in there than in the real world. Lister was eating curry a la mode, relishing in his new body minus the planet-sized muscles.

Holly was busy trying to keep the ship on course and stable in the midst of a dimensional distortion. After a dimension ship appeared and just as quickly disappeared, Holly decided to get help.

Lister was in the midst of a rather large spoonful of curry covered ice cream when Holly appeared on the screen.

"Oi, hi Dave. I've just picked up a ship dimension jumping. It dropped off a cargo pod, sent a message, and disappeared again. The message is addressed to you."

"Rimmer? Play the message for me, Hol."

"Playing now," Holly replied and he disappeared from the screen to be replaced by Ace Rimmer.

"Hi, Davey-boy. I addressed this message to you because you're the only one who knows who I actually am. I'm in the cargo pod the dimension ship dropped off. Sorry to sound so darn melodramatic, but I'm dying and you fellas are the only ones who
can help me. I've already gotten a replacement. He'll be a terrific Ace, so no matter what happens, everything's taken care of. Well, here goes. I've got the holovirus again. Knowing what you fellas went through last time this happened, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't want to help. In fact, I would rather not bother you with this at all, but you have the only backup copy of me in the universe.

"Remember, Dave. If you do decide to bring me aboard, take every precaution. I'm most likely suffering from every symptom of the disease by now. Smoke me a kipper. I'll be back for breakfast."

The screen went blank and then Holly's face returned.

"Holly, pick up that cargo pod and send it to Bay 47. Also, tell everyone to meet me down there."

"I was in the middle of 'Sense and Sensibility'," Kochanski whined. "This had better be important."

"We were all busy, Miss Kochanski, ma'am," Kryten replied.

"Yeah," the Cat agreed. "I had to leave my suits in an unfashionable order."

Lister sighed as he entered the room and filled them in on the situation. "Ace has the holovirus. He's in that pod right now. He came here for our help to cure him."

"But, Mr. Lister," Kryten intoned. "The only reason we were able to cure Mr. Rimmer of the holovirus was that we had a backup of his personality in the hologram simulation suite. We don't have a backup of Mr. Ace, so we won't be able to help him."

"Yes we do, man, and we will be able to help him."

"But how?"

"Rimmer is Ace."

"What?" the cat asked.

"Ace died months ago on Starbug, and Rimmer, our Rimmer, became the next Ace."

"Goalpost-head became Ace? I don't believe it!"

"That smeeeeeeeee-heeeeeeeeeee became the next Ace?"

"That's right, and now he needs our help."

A loud ringing sound and the smell of burning metal cutoff their discussion. The door to the cargo pod was melting away to reveal its occupant. Rimmer stepped out through the hole and turned to face his former crewmates. The top of his flight suit was still intact, but the bottom half was missing. In its place was a short calico skirt and bunny slippers. His hair was braided into piggy tails, and his sunglasses were pushed down his nose. When he saw the group through the observation glass dividing the quarantined landing bay from the rest of the ship, he snapped up his right hand. A puppet covered his hand. It was a penguin wearing a flight jacket.

"I said I'd be back for breakfast, didn't I, Mr. Flibble?" Rimmer said to the puppet on his hand. "My appetite has changed a bit." Rimmer turned his attention back to the group, looking directly at Lister. "Smoke me a Skipper, I'm ready for breakfast."
Rimmer's eyes glowed, and his hex vision shot directly at Lister. If it hadn't been for the glass dividing them, he would have been a Listy-kebob. As it was, the glass melted away giving Rimmer access to the rest of the ship. Everyone ran.

"We've got to get to the hologram simulation suite," Kryten yelled as he ran. "It's our only hope of stopping him."

"Good idea. All this running and sweating is ruining my suit!" the cat whined.

"Good old Rimmer." Kochanski joined in. "He's just as I remember him."

"Listen," Lister said. "Let's just get to the suite and everything will be all right."

As the suite door opened, everyone ground to a halt.

"Ollie ollie oxen free!" Rimmer cried as he started firing with his hex vision.

Everyone dove for cover in different directions. Rimmer followed the cat, and trapped him in a corner. "Great outfit, Cat, my boy! It's just missing one thing."

The Cat brightened and sat up straighter. "Really? What?"

"A burned hole straight through the middle. Don't you agree, Mr. Flibble?" Rimmer turned to his puppet and said, "Yes."
He turned back towards the Cat and both his eyes and Mr. Flibble's eyes started to glow. Just as he was about to kill the Cat, a surprised expression crossed his face and he collapsed to the ground in spasms. Kryten stood up at the hologram control console and continued his download of Mr. Rimmer's backup copy. Rimmer stopped shaking and his clothing changed to his old blue uniform.

"Where am I? What happened?" Rimmer asked, looking around at his surroundings.

"Well, sir." Kryten responded. "What's the last thing you remember?"

"I was coming back from the alternate reality suite with Ace after some training. He wanted me to be the next Ace, but I didn't think I could do it."

"Well, Rimmer, ten months have passed since then." Lister replied. "A lot has changed."

"Yeah," the Cat agreed. "I've got more suits."

"And," joined a woman's voice. "We found Red Dwarf and Holly."

That voice. It was familiar, but Rimmer couldn't place it.

"Who's that?" Rimmer asked.

"Oh," Lister said casually. "That's Kochanski."

"Kochanski?" Rimmer asked. "Smeg! Things certainly have changed. Well, do you still have room on the crew for a rough-and-tumble, army, ex-marine type that you do not trifle with?"

Lister smiled. "No, but we just might have room for you. Welcome back, Smeghead."