Overview
All relationships have conflicts. However, violence is not normal, and should not be tolerated. Relationship violence is when one partner attempts to establish or maintain power over their partner.
Forms of relationship violence:
- Physical – Any actions resulting in physical harm, such as hitting, slapping, punching, choking, biting, pushing, or throwing objects at another person. Physical marks are not necessary to be considered abuse.
- Emotional – Any type of behavior that attempts to threaten or intimidate a person, control their personal freedom, or threaten their self-worth. This can include name calling, humiliating the other person in private or public, shaming the person, or isolating the person from others (not allowing contact with family or friends, or not allowing the person to work or go to school).
- Sexual – Any unwanted sexual contact, including unwelcomed kissing, touching, hugging, or sex. Sexual violence includes the use of threats or attempts to gain sexual favors. It is possible to have sexual violence in a committed relationship, even between two people who have previously had consensual sexual relations.
- Verbal – Any threats, name-calling, disrespect or criticism intended to humiliate, hurt, or manipulate others.
- Financial – When one partner has control over the other person’s access to financial resources. The person in control attempts to limit the other person’s ability to support themselves and reduce their freedom. This could include limiting access to cash or bank accounts, as well as changing passwords to accounts.
Symptoms
You may be in an abusive relationship if you:
- Are afraid of your partner, and especially their temper.
- Are afraid to disagree with your partner.
- Have been kicked, hit, or pushed by your partner.
- Are not allowed to interact with family or friends because of your partner’s jealousy.
- Are criticized or demeaned by your partner.
- Have been forced into sexual activity you did not consent to or feel comfortable with.
- Feel controlled by your partner, or your partner stalks your whereabouts or social media.
Treatment
Many people in violent relationships will stay because they are scared of what will happen if they try to leave. They may also be worried about what friends or family will think. Some people may believe the violence is their fault, or believe they will not find anyone else to date. Below are suggestions to a better life:
- Work with a mental health professional to understand the abuse that is happening, and to strengthen your coping skills. It is important to take care of yourself.
- Use the community or university systems to report abusive incidents and find help.
- There are domestic violence shelters in your community to give you a safe place to stay if you need temporary shelter from your abuser.
- Create a safety plan and a way to protect yourself and leave quickly if the violence in the relationship escalates. It is often good to have friends or family you trust involved in these plans.
- Keep documentation of any harassing messages sent by your abuser, as well as pictures of any injuries you sustain from your abuser.
Resources
Below are resources to help you work through your situation.
Workbooks:
- The dialectical behavior therapy skills workbook for anger
- The anger control workbook
- The high-conflict couple: dialectical behavior therapy guide to finding peace, intimacy & validation