Communication Strategies
You as a resident have a responsibility to inform your roommate(s) and neighbors of any wishes and preferences you have for hours of sleep, study, and visitation. Additionally, if roommate behaviors are infringing on these preferences, you have a right to confront the behavior in a peaceful and non-threatening manner. Approaching conflicts like these can feel daunting and overwhelming at times. Listed below are some tips and strategies to address conflict in a way that prevents defensiveness in others and help you ensure your boundaries are respected.
Respectful Conflict Communication
- Avoid judgment: Approaching conflict can be difficult if someone feels like they are being attacked or judged. By approaching conflicts in a calm and non-judgemental way, it is more likely to be a productive conversation that ends in a resolution.
- Find the right time: Conflict often leads to overwhelming emotional and physical feelings that may impact the ability to reason and think clearly. So, while it is often tempting to try to resolve issues in the heat of the moment, taking a time out can aid in effective problem solving and help individuals to avoid saying or doing things they may regret later.
- Use I-statements: Instead of using blaming language like, “you’re too messy,” focus on using I statements that reflect your emotions like, “I feel frustrated when I come home and our room is messy.” This way, both people can focus on solving the problem rather than getting defensive and creating resentment.
- Brainstorming solutions: Brainstorm as many solutions as possible to the problem without criticism. Be creative! Look at mutually acceptable options rather than options that require sacrifice from one partner or the other
- Assertive Messaging Format: Like I-statements, assertive messaging format is a way to address conflicts and their consequences in a respectful and non-defensive way. Each assertive message statement includes a description of the unwanted behavior, your feelings surrounding that behavior, your personal interpretation you assign to the behavior, a consequence of the behavior, and an intention statement. Listed below are some examples of different roommate scenarios this could be applied to.
- Noise: Hey “roommate,” when you play the TV loudly late at night (behavior), I feel upset (feelings) and don’t think my boundaries are cared about (interpretation) and I have a really hard time falling asleep (consequence). Do you think that after 10pm, we could only play the TV at 25% volume (intention)?
- Cleaning: Hey “roommate,” when you leave your dirty dishes in the sink for a long time (behavior), I often feel annoyed (feelings) and feel like you don’t care about our shared spaces (interpretation). There is also no room to clean my dirty dishes when all of yours are in the sink (consequence), so going forward, can we make it a rule to do our dishes within 24 hours of putting them there (intention)?
- Possessions: Hey “roommate,” I’ve noticed that you have been using my milk for your cereal in the morning (behavior). This has been annoying me (feelings) and it makes me feel like you don’t respect my boundaries (intention). I have a very tight budget when I shop, so I also feel like this is wasting my money (consequence). Could you please not keep doing this without asking first? I also would be happy to pick you up some milk when I shop as long as you pay me back(intention)!
Roommate Podcasts
Roommate Podcasts: Dr. Clair Canfield and Dr. Matt Sanders discuss conflict, with particular emphasis on how college students can address conflict with roommates. These are meant to complement the Communication and Conflict Resolution workshop given during the Connections course.